“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
okay run it by me one more time
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?