Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
True?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway