I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”