Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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don’t be scared
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management