I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown