If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles