Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.