[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I want to meet the individual who made this
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?