I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis