You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Stop sending me this shit.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear