The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Monday?
No. Next question.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look