No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot