worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
What about a To-Don’t List?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men