Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.