I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
it be like that
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.