“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
nice challenge
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy