A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila