[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Have kids, they said
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.