If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*updates tinder bio*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.