Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I gave up going to work for lent.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle