I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me