There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?