me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only