There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Autocarrot sucks!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.