Jesus steals the winter solstice
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”