if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope