Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.