I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?