I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.