My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Hitlers gonna hitl
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”