It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.