*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch