Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
58.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French