Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much