[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
You Might Also Like
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.