terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
want me to check your oil?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?