Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’