When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
All generalizations are stupid.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be