“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.