[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
You Might Also Like
(True)
happy mother’s day❤️
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.