Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.