Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You Might Also Like
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
early stone age tool
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.