Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Feel. He’s so soft.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.