just got my engagement photos
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
This is my pinned tweet
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”