I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?