If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry