don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
LMAO
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
good let them take over I have had enough
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.