At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.