I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.