I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Money is the root of all wealth
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”